The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins: A Guide for the Lethally Inclined

Discover the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins, a darkly comic parody guide aimed at assassin fantasy aficionados. Learn to be as efficient in life as in fictional kills.

Ah, assassins, the life coaches we never knew we needed.

You have to admit, their efficacy in getting “the job done” is unparalleled.

Of course, you may have heard of Stephen Covey’s bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, but did you know that this seminal self-help book has a dark doppelganger?

That’s right: “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins.”

A primer that doesn’t just spill the beans but, quite literally, spills blood.

Let’s explore these habits, shall we?

Habit 1: Be Proactive (In Your Killings)

For the Highly Effective Assassin (HEA), taking the initiative isn’t just a trait; it’s a lifestyle.

Proactive assassins don’t wait for targets to fall into their laps.

They identify them, stalk them, and take them out—all before lunch.

If Stephen Covey’s version is about taking responsibility for your life, this is about taking someone else’s.

Responsibly, of course.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (Or the End of Someone Else)

Planning is everything. HEAs visualise not only the kill but also the getaway, the alibi, and the celebratory drink afterwards.

They see the entire sequence of events, from the glint of their blade in the moonlight to the exact moment they’re counting their gold.

All that’s left is to—well, execute.

Habit 3: Put First Things First (And Second Things Six Feet Under)

Time management is crucial in any profession, but even more so when you’re juggling multiple contracts and evading the law.

Prioritisation is key.

Remember: the early assassin catches the unsuspecting nobleman on his morning walk.

Or was it a worm?

I forget.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win (Or Kill-Kill)

In a profession notorious for its zero-sum outcomes, HEAs find ways to make mutually beneficial deals.

“You scratch my back; I’ll drive a dagger into someone else’s”—that sort of thing.

It’s all about networking, really.

Granted, it’s networking with poison, traps, and bribes, but who’s judging?

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Kill

Empathy goes a long way in the assassination business.

Understanding your target’s motivations, fears, and habits makes you more effective in dispatching them.

Covey might say it’s key to effective communication, but here it’s key to effective termination.

Tomayto, tomahto.

Habit 6: Synergise (Or How to Get Others to Do Your Dirty Work)

Why go solo when you can collaborate? HEAs know the value of a good partnership or a well-placed mole.

Sometimes, the quickest path to your goal involves leveraging other people’s skills—or their cannon fodder status.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw (And the Daggers, and the Arrows…)

Continuous improvement isn’t just corporate jargon; it’s the bread and butter of the HEA.

Training montages aren’t just for 80s action films; they’re a weekend pastime.

If you’re not honing your physical and mental faculties, someone else will—right before they take your job, and possibly, your life.

So there you have it, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins.

If you’ve been seeking a guide to improve your fictional killing or just life in general, this could be the (rather twisted) motivation you never knew you needed.

Remember, life isn’t just about surviving; it’s about thriving—by any means necessary.