The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins: A Guide for the Lethally Inclined

Discover the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins, a darkly comic parody guide aimed at assassin fantasy aficionados. Learn to be as efficient in life as in fictional kills.

Ah, assassins, the life coaches we never knew we needed.

You have to admit, their efficacy in getting “the job done” is unparalleled.

Of course, you may have heard of Stephen Covey’s bestseller The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, but did you know that this seminal self-help book has a dark doppelganger?

That’s right: “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins.”

A primer that doesn’t just spill the beans but, quite literally, spills blood.

Let’s explore these habits, shall we?

Habit 1: Be Proactive (In Your Killings)

For the Highly Effective Assassin (HEA), taking the initiative isn’t just a trait; it’s a lifestyle.

Proactive assassins don’t wait for targets to fall into their laps.

They identify them, stalk them, and take them out—all before lunch.

If Stephen Covey’s version is about taking responsibility for your life, this is about taking someone else’s.

Responsibly, of course.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind (Or the End of Someone Else)

Planning is everything. HEAs visualise not only the kill but also the getaway, the alibi, and the celebratory drink afterwards.

They see the entire sequence of events, from the glint of their blade in the moonlight to the exact moment they’re counting their gold.

All that’s left is to—well, execute.

Habit 3: Put First Things First (And Second Things Six Feet Under)

Time management is crucial in any profession, but even more so when you’re juggling multiple contracts and evading the law.

Prioritisation is key.

Remember: the early assassin catches the unsuspecting nobleman on his morning walk.

Or was it a worm?

I forget.

Habit 4: Think Win-Win (Or Kill-Kill)

In a profession notorious for its zero-sum outcomes, HEAs find ways to make mutually beneficial deals.

“You scratch my back; I’ll drive a dagger into someone else’s”—that sort of thing.

It’s all about networking, really.

Granted, it’s networking with poison, traps, and bribes, but who’s judging?

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Kill

Empathy goes a long way in the assassination business.

Understanding your target’s motivations, fears, and habits makes you more effective in dispatching them.

Covey might say it’s key to effective communication, but here it’s key to effective termination.

Tomayto, tomahto.

Habit 6: Synergise (Or How to Get Others to Do Your Dirty Work)

Why go solo when you can collaborate? HEAs know the value of a good partnership or a well-placed mole.

Sometimes, the quickest path to your goal involves leveraging other people’s skills—or their cannon fodder status.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw (And the Daggers, and the Arrows…)

Continuous improvement isn’t just corporate jargon; it’s the bread and butter of the HEA.

Training montages aren’t just for 80s action films; they’re a weekend pastime.

If you’re not honing your physical and mental faculties, someone else will—right before they take your job, and possibly, your life.

So there you have it, the Seven Habits of Highly Effective Assassins.

If you’ve been seeking a guide to improve your fictional killing or just life in general, this could be the (rather twisted) motivation you never knew you needed.

Remember, life isn’t just about surviving; it’s about thriving—by any means necessary.

Lifelong Lessons We Can Learn from Assassin Fantasy Protagonists

Discover the unconventional life lessons we can learn from assassin protagonists in fantasy novels. Adaptability, observation, and emotional distance, oh my!

When searching for role models to navigate the complex maze of life, who better to look up to than assassins?

You know, those mythical beings who earn their crust by severing the life threads of others—often with a dramatic flair that would make even Shakespeare say, “Tone it down, mate.”

It turns out, these dark, brooding figures from the literary world can teach us more than just how to don a cloak with menacing elegance.

Here are some lifelong lessons we can glean from these shady characters.

And don’t worry, none of them involve lethal weapons or hiding in shadows. Well, mostly.

Trust No One, Not Even Your Shadow

If assassin novels teach us anything, it’s that betrayal is as common as a weather complaint

in Britain. One minute you’re sharing a goblet of mead with your best mate, and the next, you’re pulling a dagger out of your back.

It’s a harsh lesson in trust—or rather, the lack of it.

But let’s face it, in a world where online privacy is a joke, perhaps a little paranoia is just what the doctor ordered.

Flexibility is Key

Assassins have to be adaptable, changing plans on the fly when things go pear-shaped, which they inevitably do.

While your daily obstacles might not involve dodging crossbow bolts or evading capture, adaptability is a skill we can all apply, whether it’s pivoting in a dead-end job or handling the ever-changing landscape of ‘cancel culture.’

The Fine Art of Observation

The third rule of Assassination Club is: know your mark. (The first and second rules are obviosuly not to talk about Assassination Club).

These chaps and chapettes are masters of observation, analysing minute details that others might overlook.

Granted, you’re not tracking a target, but honing your observation skills can be handy.

You never know when you’ll need to recall the alibi you gave for not attending that Zoom meeting you skillfully dodged.

The Value of Precision

Why use ten words when one will do?

Or ten stabs, for that matter.

Assassins are all about efficiency and precision, a lesson easily applied to our bloated inboxes and to-do lists.

Focus on what truly matters and cut out the rest—metaphorically speaking, of course.

Emotional Distance: Not Just for British Aristocracy Anymore

Most assassin protagonists are emotionally distant, not by choice but as a survival mechanism.

While total emotional detachment isn’t advisable unless you want a future filled with cats and microwave dinners, a little emotional distance can help.

Whether it’s not taking criticism to heart or weathering a Twitter storm, sometimes it’s okay to put up your emotional barriers.

Just not too high, or you’ll end up as approachable as a porcupine in a balloon shop.

Plan but Prepare for Chaos

Every assassin knows the value of meticulous planning, but they also know that even the best-laid plans can go awry.

Life’s like that: a series of chaotic events occasionally interrupted by moments of stability.

Or is it the other way around?

Either way, planning is good; adaptability is better.

The Road to Redemption is Paved with… Well, You Know

A common trope among our morally grey friends is the journey towards redemption.

Now, you may not have a dark past filled with death and destruction (if you do, this blog is not for you), but everyone has something they’d like to atone for.

Remember, it’s never too late to turn things around. Usually.

So, there you have it. Life lessons from people whose life’s work is to end others’ lives.

Is it unconventional? Absolutely.

Ethically questionable? Probably.

But hey, it’s a cruel world out there.

Might as well take advice from the experts in dealing with it.